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I don't how much longer I can take (reddit.com)
So for backstory I'm really overweight and very ugly. I'm a social outcast and very few people like me. So I'm used to be being alone and I always have been up until a few years ago when I met this girl (we'll call ber A). She was very beautiful and had a beautiful body despite the fact that she was overweight. My body type had never really bothered me until I met her. We were the same size yet her boobs and butt were much much better than mine. I decided to not let it bother me because its not my fault my body isn't the same as hers. So overtime we have this idea to start having threesomes with strangers and over the course of it I noticed some things. When she took me she would make sure my makeup didn't look right, she made sure that she wore the sexier clothes, and she definitely made sure that she looked the best. Since she's more experienced than me I tried not to let it bother me and I thought I'd just learn someday. When we hooked up with men she never wanted to do anything with me. She'd asked the guy to just take turns with us which was weird but I thought maybe she just wasn't experienced with girl on girl stuff and I thought we'd learn it over time but we never did. The realization hit me that she was only taking me to make herself look better. I still feel like an idiot for not realizing how I was being manipulated but theres nothing I can really do. This has dropped my self confidence so much. I hate it a lot. Beauty has always been such a big thing for me. I thought well at least maybe i could lose some weight and get implants but sometimes I think that won't be enough either Because no matter how much I change my body or face I still think people are going to see me as ugly. I'm scared because ever since I was a kid I wanted to be a model. I know its dumb, it's obvious that I was a very ugly child as well but I've always dreamed of being a model. I'm scared my dreams won't come true.. This is all I really want. I don't know if I want to continue living if I don't get it. I don't know if anything else will make me happy.. Another thing is that I'm also in beauty school. Remember how I said I'm socially awkward, overweight, and ugly? Welp turns out people at that school hate me for it just as much as I hate myself for it. I know for a fact that they do. I've heard them talk behind my back and I've seen them stare at me. I don't understand why I never did anything to them! I just really hate it and I have no idea what to do. I'm always so nice and I just never talk to anyone there. This one girl told me that she thinks I'm judging everyone but I'm not.. Ive already ruined first impressions and I legitimately hate it. I just want to be happy. It seems like everything I want is in my reach but days like these just make me realize that I probably wont be happy. I just wish I could cry myself to sleep and never wake up again. I'm not going to lie, not a lot of people would care if I died. I would probably go unnoticed if I did commit suicide. The only time I've ever really been happy was when I was in a mental ward. I know that sounds strange but it's true. There were so many wonderful people and they all made me feel much better about myself. I did what I wanted and needed, I was losing weight, I was genuinely happy. I can't afford to go back to the hospital. My families insurance barely covers anything and that just breaks my heart. I don't want to continue living if the only place I belong is in a ward where I can't go back to. I don't know what to do anymore. It just keeps getting harder and harder. I don't know how much longer I can take. I just wish I was murdererd or something.. I really just don't know what to do anymore.. submitted by /u/obvisthrowaways [link] [comments]