• 0
University is killing me (particularly my insides) (reddit.com)
Fuck this place. Fuck one of the best universities in the country. Fuck my for being stupid enough to buy into the prestige, for not giving it enough thought. ​ I had a successful career before university, overseas. I came back to recover from a severe trauma, to get a qualification and to ultimately go back. ​ But I'm older. It shouldn't be a problem. I'm only a few years older than the new intake. It's my second year now, and I just feel myself getting wound up so tight. I feel smothered, and I don't know if it's because of the trauma warping my way of seeing the world and people, or whether this environment is killing me. I just want to be on a beach somewhere, having achieved all that I want to achieve, alone for a few months, without noise. ​ I do everything I can to guarantee a job at the end of this. I'm achieving in the top of my degree bracket. I've done many internships, at big companies and SMEs in many different sectors. I hold down a well-paid, high-responsibility part time job at the university. I undertake volunteering efforts, staffing a mental health hotline, homeless outreach and pastoral mentoring. I am on a committee position with a media-centric role, making films and networking with amazing professionals. I am in the army reserves, and have all sorts of training. I edit a magazine. I look after my body with regular exercise, and sleep, and staying away from the bad shit I used to do when I was untouchable and it didn't matter or I was having a hard time and it also didn't matter. I'm keeping it together, I have all these ideas and hopes and yet... ​ I absolutely loathe this place. It's a business, at the end of the day, every process is entrenched in bureaucracy. It's fucking propaganda. I don't really care, but it makes breathing and walking at the same time difficult. I feel forced into an unnatural way of being, clipping my gestures, modulating my tone. It feels different to having to act like an adult in your choices, at work and at home; it feels like I'm meant to be acting like a cardboard cut-out of an adult. I'm meant to tick boxes. I feel like a zombie. Universities are monolithic; get with the program or get the fuck out. It makes me want to march down the chancellor's corridor naked, with a fire axe. I don't want to sit in a room for an hour and "learn" how to turn my light switches off, just to save the institution money, under the guise of sustainability. I'll turn them off for my own reasons, and I don't need to be harassed to do it. I hate that I can't park where I want to park. All I have is that car, it cost me nothing off of eBay when I was 18...I pay so much money to be here, why can't I just leave it outside the library whilst I go to my job? I don't want to listen to a 20 year old boy lecture me about why his friend shouldn't "murder her baby", when her abortion was as a result of sexual assault. I don't want to see leaks of racist "banter" in a group chat where everyone in that fucking group chat are supposedly the criminal barristers of tomorrow. Why is a jumped up little dickhead, who somehow has waltzed his way into a position of leadership with no idea of how to talk to people, speaking to my committee-mate like he's the shit on his shoe? He doesn't deserve it, he's not paid to be here and his course is getting him down. Why can't I have a decent conversation with someone in the pub, without thinking they want something from me? Why can't I talk to someone about something other than drama? Stupid, teenage drama about who's sleeping with who, how much money Adonis' parents are siphoning to his weekly allowance pot... ​ And the worst thing is, they can smell the Otherness on me. They can sense I'm not 100 percent, and that I'm tired and sad from everything that's happened. All I want is my life back, but I feel like I'm battling uphill to do it. And I'm surrounded by this weird Instagram miasma of white, upper-middle class baby giraffe teenagers where nothing means anything, except how much your shoes cost and who you're fucking and how much money your parents make. I just want my life back. I just want my life back, and I'm tired of moving through the wolves, pretending I'm a dog, when I don't even feel like a sheep, I feel like nothing. And it makes me so angry. Fuck this place. ​ submitted by /u/wentpostaldonenow [link] [comments]