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Today I accepted the fact that my ex and I will never work as a couple so I can move forward towards my mental health issues. It's painful yet a relief. (reddit.com)
So a bit of context to the story here, I recently had a situation where my ex and I had reconnected again out of the blue 5 months ago, a year after we broke up and unfortunately it was a messy breakup where we hadn't spoken since the night it ended. Once we got through the closure part after reconnecting, we hung out after 2 months since closure and we ended up going for drinks and hooking up again, which caught me off guard completely I did not believe something would happen again. since then, we started hanging out more n fooling around again and things were well until I had old feelings start to creeping back even tho we both agreed we didn't want a relationship, it was a casual thing and that we were friends before anything since we were good friends prior to dating and have similiar friend circles. I tried to go with the flow but eventually I couldn't, I noticed I have a toxic codependency habit from trauma of an abusive relationship plus I am not in the best place at all with my personal life so I knew it wasn't smart to rekindle but I just kept falling for her the more we hung out and caught myself falling into old patterns when we were dating since we were just mainly chillin at her place, netflix, food, weed, sex. it became comfortable like old times and I let go of my emotions and started having deep feelings for her. then things got messy, started realizing I'd have panic attacks when she takes awhile to reply, we also never really established any boundaries or expectations of what it was except for the fact we didn't want a relationship n aren't ready, yet the way we acted was like a couple again so that honestly fucked with me because there was just uncertainty. I was nervous that in the end I wasn't the only one, I felt a vibe and gotten some hints of it and it fucked with me too. but the fact that I was feeling all those toxic shit anxiety driven thoughts and emotions, when we aren't dating and I'm putting myself through this self inflicting torture was what pissed me off the most. but I still tried... lol. and she became more distant n cold, and I started to lose it and have breakdowns to myself n just anxiety majority of the past several days. then finally today after not seeing eachother for a week, we hung out for a bit n I just finally mustered to courage to bring it up n spill my beans out one last time. I told her my feelings were way too deep right now to go with the flow, my anxiety has been off the roof and it's unhealthy and I wanted to know if she was on the same page or felt the same way as I did about her. cause I wanted to see if can claim it as seeing eachother and having it go somewhere again... but when I asked, the answer was no. she didn't feel the same way about me. she admitted that she was but then she realized it was going down a negative path and was wanting to clarify n assure that it's not a right time at all and that it rather be friends at this time. oh boy did hearing her answer put an ache in my heart but damn I needed to hear that. it's true. I was going batshit mentally to myself. I kept my cool infront of her when hearing that, we talked it over a bit and I told her that I need space and time to process it and get over my feelings. she understood. Lowkey it really sucks to have one of those "breakups when you weren't even dating" type feelings, especially an ex, someone who I deeply care abt as a person, friend, etc. but I feel like after hearing that, and taking a good luck at what I've let it do to my mental health, I got a huge weight off my shoulders, and I know I'll get over it accepting the reality of it now and can put the energy towards myself. it's been a very long battle with pulling myself out of my depression and anxiety but I'm gonna give it another shot to work on my discipline, self care and habits and look for counselling and therapy. I'm hopeful cause I am ready to heal the pain of letting my demons control me. and if you've made it this far into reading about my rant/story then I'd like to say thank you very much for giving me and my vent session some of your time n attention :) thank u submitted by /u/VicTheSpicc [link] [comments]